ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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