I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
