I wish I only lived at night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize