Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
