Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
