i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
