I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
