im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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