the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
