Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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