I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
