I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
its not stalking. its research.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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