I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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