Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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