Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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