Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42ā tv lol
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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