Can Purell be used as lube?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This baby is an asshole
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
