apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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