it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
