I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he fucked my hip out of place.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
