i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize