I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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