Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
