i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
