Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
