literally had 100 drinks last night.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
