If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
