Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize