i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
