someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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