You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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