Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
