I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
