Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
