I need to stop coming to work sober
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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