it wasn't lemon gatorade
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
