i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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