I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
