false alarm. still invincible.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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