So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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