Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
