just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
