so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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