he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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