and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
