I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
