The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize