you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize