After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
