omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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