i may or may not be watching the land before time
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
