Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
