Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
