her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
