Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
