I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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