apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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