Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
