im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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